Sherlock Holmes and the Large Pectoral Women of Frazer Town
by DeadlySneeze
Summary: This is the story of two characters who get into a car accident with the one thinking he is Sherlock Holmes after receiving a bump to his head. The story then becomes a case for Sherlock Holmes to solve. (Crude Humor, Female Pectoral Jokes a plenty, Potty Mouthed Language, and many nerdy pop-culture references) I do hope you enjoy ***The sense of humor of a 13 year old boy is rec


Narrator: We join our two misfits as they enter Frazer Town, Nebraska…yep not much going on here. As they are driving through this Podunk little space on Earth that time and technology seem to have forgotten Chris and Munga are arguing about the cancellation of Firefly when suddenly they both shut up…I know; right…

Narrator: Well the reason they shut up was just 32 degrees from the front of their car was a beautiful blond women wearing the tightest of tight yoga pants colored black with a hint of see thru to what one can only hope was a commando style of existence, a low cut peach colored top with not a bra insight…however as far as they were concerned the peach color was skin color and that top was in fact her skin…

Narrator: As the two sat stunned the car continued to move and move it did…right into a sign, "Mayor Bodde Louees the 3rd welcomes you to Frazer Town…

Director: Fade to black…then fade in when the cops arrives…queue the sirens

Sirens: But we are needed back at the set of Ulysses.

Narrator: The two come to with a wrapping on the glass. The two look up to see a cop peering down at them.

Cop: Are you too ok?

Pat: Yes…(as the officer comes into focus)…I think so

Cop: (Radios in) This is car 58008 reporting in, put a hold on the ambulance…I think they are ok…

Narrator: That's a relative term

Chris: What's going on…What's go on…What's on!

Cop: (Very matter of fact) You two ran off the road and hit our town sign

Chris: Entrapment I say!

Cop: Huh?

Chris: The busty maiden caused this crash, not I

Cop: And who exactly is "I"?

Chris: Why the name is Sherlock Holmes and this is John What's on

Cop: Well Sherlock I'm going to need to see all of the pertinent information…

Narrator: After examining "Sherlock's" information he issues them a ticket for the destruction of public property and bids them adue.

Sherlock: (After examining the ticket) Do you know what this means Watson?

Watson: We are out 458 bucks?

Sherlock: No, the game is on!

Watson: Alright cut the crap, what are you on about?

Sherlock: Can't you see…of course not…

Sherlock: The women…short skin colored shirt…didn't match her style or hair color…it was new…someone pushed her to buy it…perhaps it was the only choice or on sale…her pants…yoga…she must work out…down the street on the left a 24 hour gym with free membership for residents…the street corners all have water misters installed for plants yet the plants are from an arid climate…finally look around…

Watson: At?

Sherlock: The citizens John…the citizens.!.!.!.

Watson: (Looking puzzled)

Sherlock: Do you see anything out of the ordinary? Of course not, you see what you want to see. The women John the women…all of them…large breasts…every women as far as the eye can see has Double Ds.

Watson: I'm sure they've got great personalities

Sherlock: Not now John, don't try to rationalize your ogling…one maybe two women with double Ds is expected but not a town full of them. Of the last 17 women that have passed us by all of them have been a C or higher.

Watson: So what are you on about then…we saw a good looking girl and we crashed because we were distracted. That brings us to like eight times over the years. Not exactly a new experience for us especially if you count all the bikes we crashed as kids outside the public pool…Wendy Peffercorn…

Sherlock: But my dear Watson they are all good looking with large breasts…

Watson: Well yeah they go _hand_ in _hand…_

Sherlock: No time for jokes…

Watson: Are you trying to suggest that some force is at work creating only good looking large breasted women in this town? Impossible!

Sherlock: Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Narrator: The duo take the case of The Large Breasted Women of Frazer Town…We join the two at the only logical place to start when it comes to large breasts…the plastic surgeon of course. The two enter the offices of Dr. Ekaf…must be foreign or at least from a backwards place.

Receptionist: May I help you two?

Sherlock: Yes Madame; my friend here is seeking a consultation with the doctor; might he have time.

Receptionist: Usually you have to do appointments for these types of things but you are in luck the doctor had a cancellation this afternoon. Could you wait about 18 minutes?

Watson: Highlights Magazine!

Sherlock: We might need a bit longer…

Receptionist: Can I have your name sir?

Sherlock: Yes…Holmes…Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221 B Bakers Street

Time: Goes by…

Narrator: After finding a mug, a bowl, a candle, and a fish the two run out of time and get called in for the consultation.

Dr. Ekaf: What can I do for you gentlemen today?

Sherlock: My friend here would like a quote for getting his tits done.

Dr. Ekaf: (A little taken aback) Well sir that's not something we generally do…

Watson: Why don't you show me some before and after pictures of some of your previous patients and I will be the judge of your work…you know for research purposes…

Narrator: The doctor who hesitates for a bit goes over to a filing cabinet to get some literature on breast augmentation. In the meantime the detective is hard at work in his mind palace. Dr. Ekaf sits down with Watson to discuss some options when Sherlock abruptly ends the meeting…

Sherlock: That will be all doctor we are done here.

Dr. Ekaf: But I haven't even gone over the pictures yet…

Watson: Yeah…he hasn't gone over the pictures yet!

Sherlock: Damn it Watson you have the internet now; look at boobs later…make haste; the game is a foot!

Narrator: The two leave the office in a hurried manner.

Watson: What was that all about? I was about to see boobies and you know how I feel about boobies.

Sherlock: Yes Yes deposits of fat that are used in the reproductive cycle; I know but can't you see the larger picture?

Watson: I wanted to see larger pictures

Sherlock: Damn it Watson that was a dead end!

Watson: And how do you know that? Boobs go to get bigger there.

Sherlock: Yes but the signs John the signs: His doctorate that was on the wall was from out of state; he's not from here…less of a chance of him being part of this conspiracy…family photos on his desk…the wife's boobs are a high B at best and his daughters graduation picture is nothing remarkable…granted it's a gown, but if you were smuggling Ds under there you could tell my friend…now let's talk surgery: when approached with the idea of doing your breast augmentation he was hesitant, this could be related to the fact that you have a Y Chromosome and not two X's but when he was coerced into going to the filling cabinet there was a clear layer of dust on the one dedicated to augmentations which suggests that augmentations are not a common request…this coupled with the size of the manila folder he retrieved leads us to believe that his office is not highly trafficked by the patrons of this town. Hence we are at a dead end my friend.

Watson: What about the receptionist? She had large sweater bait.

Sherlock: That she did but did you not notice the natural bounce they had when she got up and down from her chair to greet us and guide us?

Watson: I noticed

Sherlock: Natural they were so elsewhere we must look!

Narrator: The two head to the next logical place…the gym…As the two walk in they are greeted by the Gym owner: Eric Prydz ID#58008

Eric: Can I help you two gentlemen?

Sherlock: Yes we are here to…

Watson: Our wives need to get a little less junk in the trunk and a little more top heavy if you know what I mean; can you help us my fine sir?

Eric: I think you will be very pleased with the amenities we have to offer. For starters we have many different classes including: Yoga, Water Aerobics, Pectoral Fridays, and a wide array of various workout machines.

Watson: Wonderful; do you have a health food station?

Eric: Of course. Now we are a little more controversial here when it comes to nutrition; we work more closely with science than some places. A lot of places use only organics; we actually use GMOs in a lot of our products. Now most people are scared of Genetically Modified Organisms but we figure if it can make our cows grow big and strong why not make us big and strong too.

Watson: I hear all good things here. Can you give me a tour of the women's locker room? I need to make sure it is suitable for my wife…

Narrator: After Watson trying so hard to get a full look at the locker room but being denied the two finally leave with Sherlock getting all of the information he needed.

Sherlock: Well done taking point my friend

Watson: Remember; I use to work at a gym

Sherlock: You use to offer to help towel off young women after Yoga.

Watson: You're welcome; so what did you find?

Sherlock: We are on the right track…flyers for free pole dancing lessons and discounted women's memberships: obviously helping with the objectification of women…the milk products at the health food station with GMOs have the potential to produce breast growth…then there's the layout: the whole side of the building is windows facing out to the street; not terribly uncommon but all the machines are in front of windows…it is as if this place is a giant aquarium for the passer byes…then there is the equipment they offer or don't offer I should say: There wasn't much traditional equipment…everything was focused on the objectification of women…

Watson: You say this like it's a bad thing…

Sherlock: Watson you fool can't you see the bigger picture…it's a giant conspiracy…the equipment is all designed to distract the men just as we were distracted by driving…they did this to us…JUST LOOK!

Narrator: They gaze back at the gym from the outside.

Sherlock: What's missing! Where are the dead weights, the rowing machines, and sit down bikes?

Watson: Make your point you drama queen I'm too busy watching the iGallop stations.

Sherlock: That is my point: the iGallup, the treadmills, the peck flexors, the yoga balls, and Hula Hoops are all designed to accentuate the female form.

Watson: I feel like I am more and more just impressed with this gym and town rather than thinking we are all part of a big conspiracy.

Sherlock: I can prove this…to the clothing store!

Narrator: The two enter 58008 Hills Avenue: The 44 Special. As the two look around they are greeted by the sight of yoga pants and tops as far as the eye can see.

Sherlock: Watson check the tags

Watson: (smirking) I will feel around…

Sherlock: Check the materials these clothes are made of…check the wool content

Watson: (reluctant) Most are below 50%

Sherlock: As I thought; these are low quality clothes. They are practically see-through.

Sherlock: Those Yoga pants! Those are the Yoga pants that were banned in 2013 because they were too thin and left nothing to the imagination.

Watson: So we should stock up and distribute?

Sherlock: Focus John…the manikins…they have nipples…who makes manikins with nipples?

Watson: An entrepreneur that's who

Sherlock: Quick to the lingerie section

Watson: What do you think I've been looking for?

Sherlock: But haven't found! There aren't any bras…it is as if they are encouraging a braless existence.

Watson: I have finally found my homeland

Sherlock: Watson look around…what do you see?

Watson: Clothes…

Sherlock: Yes, but look at the color or lack there off…

Watson: Why the tops are all varying shades of skin color…just like the busty maiden from the crash

Sherlock: Now you are getting it my friend…this store has see-through bottoms…low quality tops that will no doubt show more nipples as exhibited by the manikins…the plot thickens…

Watson: To the mayor we go with this information?

Sherlock: Not yet…we have one more stop…

Narrator: The two leave the store but don't need to go far for their next destination for they are simply going to admire the plants. The two walk up and down Main Street looking at the plants and getting lightly sprayed by the automatic misters. Until they come across a city worker who is tending to the plants.

Sherlock: John pay attention here…what do we see?

Watson: A man checking on the plants.

Sherlock: Yes, but is he really

Watson: Well he goes up to every plant and continues to the next…

Sherlock: Precisely…he isn't actually doing anything much like those misters. Those water misters for the hanging plants aren't actually watering the plants. About 86% of the water is jutting out over the plants and falling on the walkers below. Now this water isn't much but if you are walking down the street long enough your shirt will become saturated enough to cause…

Watson: Sticky clothe and nipple views

Sherlock: Now you are getting it Watson. Now look at our gardener…he is lacking and kind of gardening equipment and his hands are too clean for someone who supposedly plays with dirt and plants all day.

Watson: And his shoes are clean and white. Not dirty like a gardener's shoes should be.

Sherlock: Well done…Then there is the plants… _Penstemon haydenii;_ if I'm not mistaken…a mostly arid plant that doesn't require much water…it's all a sham…

Watson: So the city did this all…

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson…to the Mayor's office!

Narrator: We join the two now as they storm the mayor's office and when I say storm I mean walk in and talk with the receptionist.

Receptionist: Can I help you?

Sherlock: We need to have a meeting with the mayor.

Receptionist: I'm sorry he is not taking any more appointments today.

Sherlock: Tell him the inspectors from the 58008 Committee need to have a word with him.

Narrator: The receptionist pages his office and after a short chat the two are granted passage to the mayor's office. As the two walkthrough a vaulted hallway with hanging lights that opens up to an oval room with a giant bookshelf to the right with several prominent authors such as Jean Baptiste Lamarch, Alfred Russel Wallace, Charles Darwin sticking out among others…murals of the former mayors and their families around the room all having a similar resemblance to the mayor who is sitting before them in a desk in the center of the office.

Mayor: Hello gentlemen I'm Bodde Louees the 3rd but you can call me Bodde (shakes hands with them both) What can I do for you two?

Sherlock: (eying the ring Bodde is wearing that says class of 58008) Nice to meet you sir I'm Sherlock Holmes and this here John Watson.

Mayor: You two don't look like anyone I know from the 58008s.

Sherlock: No sir, but we needed a meeting with you and I knew that was the only way.

Mayor: Right…and what is this all about?

Sherlock: You made the women of this town large breasted and proud of it.

Mayor: (indulging) Right…and how did I do this (as he reaches for his phone to call security)

Sherlock: It's quite clever really…one of the best long cons I've ever seen. You are the 3rd in a line of Bodde's…this is almost a family tradition running this town judging by the murals on the wall…you've all been here a long time and have quite a bit of influence…at first I thought you had paid off the plastic surgeon to give discounts to women seeking to go up a cup size or two…but no you are so much more clever than that aren't you…no this was a plan decades if not centuries in the making…all of the women in these murals have large chests…the town is built for women with large chests…all athletic activity is designed for women with large chests…the clothing is encouraging of large chests…the store itself is The 44…the fourth letter of the alphabet is a D…the very sprinklers heighten the large chests…

Mayor: You can't prove this…

Sherlock: You have crafted a society over many years that does not encourage small breasts…therefore who are the men going to date and mate with…the large chested women that are promoted in this society…the society that you have created…this is evolution and Darwinism at its finest…

Mayor: Preposterous!

Sherlock: Really…then why did the number 58008 get us a meeting…could it be that 58008 upsides down is boobs! And the most clever part of it all is the name…the name Bodde Louees or should I say Double Dees!

Narrator: Just then Watson who had been quiet through this entire exchange hit Sherlock over the head with the book, "On the Origin of Species" and Sherlock is knocked out cold…The mayor looks on in shock…

Watson: That's better…now allow me to introduce myself…the names Jim…Jim Moriarty

Mayor: (somewhat in shock over this whole ordeal) What is it that you want Jim?

Jim: Nothing…Nothing to change. I love what you have done with the place. My friend Sherlock here is so short sighted and unimaginative. See what's going to happen is you are going to fix our car for free, make our ticket go away, and put my friend and I back in our car and make it all look like a little fender bender nothing more. From there we will go our separate ways…but one November day there will be an election and you will need to endorse a successor…

Mayor: (reluctantly agreeing) Is that your price?

Jim: Almost Bodde…I expect a trampoline park to be built in my honor…(a serious look)…extra bouncy…

Narrator: With that Jim returns to the car with Sherlock in tow. The city workers help to put everything to right and Munga waits for Chris to awaken…

Chris: What happened?

Munga: Not sure looks like we ran off the road...Car looks alright at least. Keep going?

Chris: Sounds good to me. Where's our next stop?


End file.
